Scary Correspondence
Below are two made-up letters. As far as we know they are not real.
The U.S. Chamber of Commerce Executive Director
Washington, DC
[Date]
To every U.S. Corporation
Dear Mr./Ms ABC Corporation:
All corporations celebrated recently when the Supreme Court granted to each of you the same rights as real human beings to make unlimited and anonymous contributions to any and all political campaigns. The incredible advantages this gives you in carrying out your primary responsibility to maximize corporate benefits are obvious. For example, you are not constrained as are real humans by any consideration of what is best for the country, or for its less fortunate citizens, or for the future of mankind, etc., ad nauseam. Your context is not confused by any such ambiguities. Your mandate is simple and clear: Maximize your own benefit.
(Of course, even though now you are legally a “person,” you still can neither read nor write—dare I say “illiterate?” So, I assume you will have your CEO read this letter for you.)
We want to point out an important perspective that has so far received little attention. As you are well aware, corporate management is accountable to its shareholders for every dollar it spends. That is, you must not spend any money unless you believe you will receive in return a benefit of even greater value. This certainly applies to campaign contributions. Therefore, in order avoid the danger of a stockholder suit charging mismanagement, we urge that you subject every campaign contribution to the same financial test that you apply to any other expenditure. That is, are you going to get your money’s worth for every campaign dollar you spend? You should be as sure that you are going receive a financial return on each campaign contribution as you would on any other expenditure. You owe that assurance to your stockholders.
To facilitate your exploiting this new opportunity to benefit yourself, we are pleased to offer for your use the attached pro-forma letter which you can put on your own letterhead and send to each congressman/congresswoman. Of course, the issues we included in the pro-forma are only examples. You should enter the issues that apply to your particular situation.
We are e-mailing to you an MS Word™ version of this letter, together with a merge file of the 531 members of Congress, so that you can print these, all ready to mail. Comparable pro-forma letters to presidential candidates and all elected state and local officials will follow shortly.
Please let us know how we can further assist you in exercising your new responsibility of shaping and perhaps even determining the course of this country though direct, massive, anonymous, hopefully decisive, and now legal campaign contributions.
Respectfully yours,
Executive Director
U.S. Chamber of Commerce
© Ben Ball 2013
Washington, DC
[Date]
To every U.S. Corporation
Dear Mr./Ms ABC Corporation:
All corporations celebrated recently when the Supreme Court granted to each of you the same rights as real human beings to make unlimited and anonymous contributions to any and all political campaigns. The incredible advantages this gives you in carrying out your primary responsibility to maximize corporate benefits are obvious. For example, you are not constrained as are real humans by any consideration of what is best for the country, or for its less fortunate citizens, or for the future of mankind, etc., ad nauseam. Your context is not confused by any such ambiguities. Your mandate is simple and clear: Maximize your own benefit.
(Of course, even though now you are legally a “person,” you still can neither read nor write—dare I say “illiterate?” So, I assume you will have your CEO read this letter for you.)
We want to point out an important perspective that has so far received little attention. As you are well aware, corporate management is accountable to its shareholders for every dollar it spends. That is, you must not spend any money unless you believe you will receive in return a benefit of even greater value. This certainly applies to campaign contributions. Therefore, in order avoid the danger of a stockholder suit charging mismanagement, we urge that you subject every campaign contribution to the same financial test that you apply to any other expenditure. That is, are you going to get your money’s worth for every campaign dollar you spend? You should be as sure that you are going receive a financial return on each campaign contribution as you would on any other expenditure. You owe that assurance to your stockholders.
To facilitate your exploiting this new opportunity to benefit yourself, we are pleased to offer for your use the attached pro-forma letter which you can put on your own letterhead and send to each congressman/congresswoman. Of course, the issues we included in the pro-forma are only examples. You should enter the issues that apply to your particular situation.
We are e-mailing to you an MS Word™ version of this letter, together with a merge file of the 531 members of Congress, so that you can print these, all ready to mail. Comparable pro-forma letters to presidential candidates and all elected state and local officials will follow shortly.
Please let us know how we can further assist you in exercising your new responsibility of shaping and perhaps even determining the course of this country though direct, massive, anonymous, hopefully decisive, and now legal campaign contributions.
Respectfully yours,
Executive Director
U.S. Chamber of Commerce
© Ben Ball 2013
[To be printed on ABC Corporate Letterhead]
[Date]
Senator/Congressman [Name Here]
Washington, DC [Zip Code Here]
Dear Senator/Congressman [Name Here],
As you well know, we corporations have long been known in the law as persons. By now, everyone also knows that the U.S. Supreme Court has enlarged our right as persons to make unlimited and anonymous financial contributions to any and all political campaigns as part of the right of free speech guaranteed to all of us persons–whether we be real humans or not. (Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, Case No. 08-205, January 21, 2010) Therefore, I as a person can now speak to you as one person to another–man to man, so to speak.
As we both realize, my almost unlimited resources are now legally available to influence–if not to determine–elections and therefore to influence or determine U.S. public policy–foreign and domestic, our laws, and how they are to be interpreted and enforced. In fact, as a good American, I know that this free speech is not just a privilege and a right, but also a responsibility. I would not be a very good American person if I did not speak out as effectively as possible in every legal way. This places on me as a person an immense responsibility to keep you advised of how I think my country should be run. For example, following are a few of the issues that I hope you will agree would be good for our country:
Legislation guaranteeing a minimum price for my products, but no maximum. This would help assure my profitable operation, so the public would always have access to my products. (Present price supports, subsidies, and tax breaks are helpful but inadequate and spotty.)
Legislation limiting my liability for mismanagement or faulty products. This would reduce my costs and therefore assure the public of affordable products. The recently enacted so-called “tort reform” laws are but a small step in this direction.
Remove antitrust restrictions. This would allow my industry to provide the public with all of the well-known benefits of economies of scale, while eliminating the equally well-known inefficiencies of competition. The recent benign neglect by the Antitrust Division of the Department of Justice has been helpful, but that is not enough.
As you might guess, I have several similar policy suggestions which I would like to discuss in detail at your convenience. Also, I can supply you with prototype Bills for each suggestion, to facilitate your submitting these proposals to Congress, together with appropriate press releases.
If you are in agreement with these ideas, I would be proud to exercise my responsibility of free speech as an American person to work with you to see that your campaign fund is adequate to assure your election next November. An incidental but important benefit to our Country is you would then be freed from any need to waste your time and energy raising campaign funds from mere humans, actual persons, and real citizens, allowing you to concentrate your efforts on being a legislator more responsive to your new constituency–us corporate persons.
I can’t actually vote for you–yet. Perhaps we should be working on that next, now that we can work together in this new way. Why not? A few years ago, who would have guessed we could have come this far?
In the unlikely event you remain in some pre-January 2010 mind-set, with some moralistic reservations concerning the propriety of receiving huge campaign contributions from persons such as myself, I can assure you–and can document if necessary–that all of the points contained in this letter are entirely legal. And, as a public servant sworn to uphold the law, one might consider it a reflection on that oath if you were to maintain any reservations whatsoever about following the edict of the Supreme Court. The good news is, no longer must we launder our money, Tom DeLay-style; now we can conduct our business legally, in the clean light of day.
I will call you shortly for an appointment so that you and I can follow up on these ideas face to face. In the meantime, I remain—as a fellow person—your obedient and faithful servant.
Sincerely,
X
Sorry, but since I, the person, ABC Corporation can neither read nor write, I can only make my mark.
© Ben Ball 2013
[Date]
Senator/Congressman [Name Here]
Washington, DC [Zip Code Here]
Dear Senator/Congressman [Name Here],
As you well know, we corporations have long been known in the law as persons. By now, everyone also knows that the U.S. Supreme Court has enlarged our right as persons to make unlimited and anonymous financial contributions to any and all political campaigns as part of the right of free speech guaranteed to all of us persons–whether we be real humans or not. (Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, Case No. 08-205, January 21, 2010) Therefore, I as a person can now speak to you as one person to another–man to man, so to speak.
As we both realize, my almost unlimited resources are now legally available to influence–if not to determine–elections and therefore to influence or determine U.S. public policy–foreign and domestic, our laws, and how they are to be interpreted and enforced. In fact, as a good American, I know that this free speech is not just a privilege and a right, but also a responsibility. I would not be a very good American person if I did not speak out as effectively as possible in every legal way. This places on me as a person an immense responsibility to keep you advised of how I think my country should be run. For example, following are a few of the issues that I hope you will agree would be good for our country:
Legislation guaranteeing a minimum price for my products, but no maximum. This would help assure my profitable operation, so the public would always have access to my products. (Present price supports, subsidies, and tax breaks are helpful but inadequate and spotty.)
Legislation limiting my liability for mismanagement or faulty products. This would reduce my costs and therefore assure the public of affordable products. The recently enacted so-called “tort reform” laws are but a small step in this direction.
Remove antitrust restrictions. This would allow my industry to provide the public with all of the well-known benefits of economies of scale, while eliminating the equally well-known inefficiencies of competition. The recent benign neglect by the Antitrust Division of the Department of Justice has been helpful, but that is not enough.
As you might guess, I have several similar policy suggestions which I would like to discuss in detail at your convenience. Also, I can supply you with prototype Bills for each suggestion, to facilitate your submitting these proposals to Congress, together with appropriate press releases.
If you are in agreement with these ideas, I would be proud to exercise my responsibility of free speech as an American person to work with you to see that your campaign fund is adequate to assure your election next November. An incidental but important benefit to our Country is you would then be freed from any need to waste your time and energy raising campaign funds from mere humans, actual persons, and real citizens, allowing you to concentrate your efforts on being a legislator more responsive to your new constituency–us corporate persons.
I can’t actually vote for you–yet. Perhaps we should be working on that next, now that we can work together in this new way. Why not? A few years ago, who would have guessed we could have come this far?
In the unlikely event you remain in some pre-January 2010 mind-set, with some moralistic reservations concerning the propriety of receiving huge campaign contributions from persons such as myself, I can assure you–and can document if necessary–that all of the points contained in this letter are entirely legal. And, as a public servant sworn to uphold the law, one might consider it a reflection on that oath if you were to maintain any reservations whatsoever about following the edict of the Supreme Court. The good news is, no longer must we launder our money, Tom DeLay-style; now we can conduct our business legally, in the clean light of day.
I will call you shortly for an appointment so that you and I can follow up on these ideas face to face. In the meantime, I remain—as a fellow person—your obedient and faithful servant.
Sincerely,
X
Sorry, but since I, the person, ABC Corporation can neither read nor write, I can only make my mark.
© Ben Ball 2013